I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
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iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
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Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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