this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
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Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
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Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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