a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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