Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
