Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
