we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
