what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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