I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Farmville is her only friend.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
