NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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