chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
