The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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