Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
