Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
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the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
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She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I want to fling myself into the sun
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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