life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
