I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
