I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
