Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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