I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
