i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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