I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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