cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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