You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
