I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
