her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I need a beard to bite.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
