I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
