Do you still have your period?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
