He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
