I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
