If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
