I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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