I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
