I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
That was an excessively violent trivia night
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
