I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
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Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
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I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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