Life is so much better after having sex.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
