yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
