i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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