mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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