so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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