Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
