I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The uberlube is also flammable
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
