so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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