I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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