Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
