Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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