Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
