It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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