please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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