Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
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