I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
