that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
