I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
