I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
