so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
These tits shall not be calmed
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
