Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
