I'm so fucking centered right now
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
