At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize