Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
