1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
